mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
false alarm. still invincible.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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