are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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