omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
