I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
