it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
