I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
