the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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