Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
