I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
