One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm just crazy horny about you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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