My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
