Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
