Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize