Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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