shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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