listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
