Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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