Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
