I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
