one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
