I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
