So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
