i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
