using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
