the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
