He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
