i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
