he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think I sprained my soul last night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
