I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
