i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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