guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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