i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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