I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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