she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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