she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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