I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
