her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
