fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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