I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
