Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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