All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
