is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
