Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
