Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
