The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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