It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
