Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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