If i could tip my vagina, i would.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
