My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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