Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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