I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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