I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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