omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
